Home-Wrecker

So my friend @brel29 and I were having a talk, like we normally do. We were on the subject of home-wreckers. I asked him:

What if the chic/man that sleeping with the married man/woman or a guy/girl in relationship isn’t trying to break up the home, is she still a home wrecker?

So before I go on, let me head to Google and see what their definition of a home wreck is.

Wikitionary says:

Etymology

From home and wrecker: the idea that a family and a home have been destroyed by one person.

Noun

homewrecker (plural homewreckers)

1.(slang, pejorative) A person (male or female) who engages in romantic relations with a person who is married or engaged to be married with the result of breaking up the engagement or marriage.

So what is he/she (homewrecker) abides the side chic/man rules and doesn’t cause any drama like calling the phone all hours of the night and knows their place. Hence limiting the chances of getting caught…are they still considered a home wrecker?

We had our own thoughts, but I told him I would bring it to the blog. So now I want you to share your thoughts on this.

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33 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tbrick11
    Oct 20, 2011 @ 14:36:11

    Could really go either way but realistically, regardless if the person is playing their part, once the opportunity is brought about that your susceptible to getting caught, it would be yes!

    Reply

  2. marriagecoach1
    Oct 20, 2011 @ 16:41:47

    Yes because they are playing with fire with kids at stake
    John Wilder

    Reply

    • sunnydelyte21
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 14:10:37

      So is there a difference if kids are in the equation?

      Reply

      • marriagecoach1
        Oct 21, 2011 @ 16:40:28

        Absofuckingtively. The negative statistics of kids growing up in a single parent home are STAGGERING.
        John Wilder

        Reply

        • sunnydelyte21
          Oct 21, 2011 @ 17:27:11

          So if kids aren’t in that equation what are ur thoughts?

          Reply

          • marriagecoach1
            Oct 23, 2011 @ 13:54:19

            You still have to nurture your relationship. Most men whose sexual needs are being met can’t be tempted to cheat aside from the few assholes. Men are easier than women. Give us your friendship, companionship and sex freely and lovingly given when we need it and there is not a woman alive that can takes us away from you. That is what “happily ever after looks like for a man”.
            Sadly, too many women see happily ever after as a totally narcissistic and very self centered fantasy never giving a thought as to what “happily ever after” looks like for the guy.
            John Wilder

            Reply

  3. Nikks
    Oct 20, 2011 @ 17:57:21

    So why call the outside party the home wrecker especially if they have no desire to ruin the family or break up the couple? Why isn’t the one doing the cheating the home wrecker, he or she is the one wrecking and placing his family in the position? That’s my take.

    Reply

    • sunnydelyte21
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 14:12:26

      I can dig where u coming from…everyone is quick to call the outsider a name…and don’t think to call the person in the relationship out. I say place equal blame. Thanks for sharing Nikks

      Reply

  4. marriagecoach1
    Oct 20, 2011 @ 18:01:03

    So Nikks you absolve the outside party completely of any responsibility knowing that the otehr person is married? Interesting, perhaps you are speaking from the voice of experience?

    John Wilder

    Reply

    • Ms. Nikks
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 16:18:04

      I beg your pardon, but where in my response to Sunny did you see me say I don’t place any blame on the outside party? My point if you read it again is that the person in the marriage should carry the most blame (not all, but most). Everyone always seem to place the blame on the other woman/man and the other culprit in the situation gets lost (and happily so) in the middle of the blame game.

      Women tend to fight each other over men who cause drama and that man usually just feels an inflated ego while he’s destroying everyone around him. So I stand by my point John Wilder, blame needs to be placed more on the one doing the cheating. Are you speaking from experience?

      Reply

      • marriagecoach1
        Oct 21, 2011 @ 16:28:43

        Hey Ms Nikks
        Why yes I am speaking from a whole lot of experience dealing with couples with infidelity problems. I would begrdugingly admit to it being 50-50 fault but really in truth it is like 60-40 in favor of the other person. The reason is that they know that the other person is married and is vulnerable and unhappy and they take advantage of that. Just like being a counselor, we get hit on sexually because the woman is emotionally vulnerable and it would be too easy to take advantage of that. That is why they throw us out of the profession if we step over that line. I can’t agree with your assesment when it comes to blame.
        John Wilder

        Reply

        • Ms. Nikks
          Oct 21, 2011 @ 17:38:37

          “The reason is that they know that the other person is married and is vulnerable and unhappy and they take advantage of that.”

          That does happen, but that is not the case for every situation Mr. Wilder. I’ve known plenty of men who step out of their marriages (wife assumes all is well) and they predators. I’ve seen it in the lives of families and friends. I know you’re a counsellor, but that does not mean you have all the answers. I’m a social worker and I don’t know the answers to every case presented before me. We’re simply human.

          I’m wondering if you’re being fair in your assessment because of your gender. If you were busted for cheating, would you just blame the other woman for tempting you because you’re vulnerable and unhappy?

          Reply

  5. marriagecoach1
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 16:33:11

    So why call the outside party the home wrecker especially if they have no desire to ruin the family or break up the couple?

    From that statement it sounds like you don’t want to assign any blame on the outsider but want to put it all on the married person.
    John Wilder

    Reply

    • Ms. Nikks
      Oct 21, 2011 @ 17:44:34

      Let me be clear Mr. Wilder, I do assign blame to the outside party, but they owe me nothing. My husband would be the one who owed me answers. My husband would be the one breaking vows and putting our family at risk of falling apart. My husband who stood before God, family, and friends is the one who CHOSE to share our business with an outsider. How would the outsider know of his misery, unhappiness, and so called vulnerability if he didn’t put it out there and invite her in?

      I guess we’ll agree to disagree.

      Kudos to you Sunny for a wonderful, thought provoking post. A job well done when you can stir up responses and debate lol.

      Reply

  6. MzSporadic
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 18:05:34

    You can’t break up a home that isn’t already broken! BOTH parties are to blame BUT, the person whose home is being broken is the home wrecker! No one can break up your home unless YOU allow them to. Period!!

    Reply

  7. JRo
    Oct 21, 2011 @ 21:53:27

    Good post Sunny. This was a good discussion. As you know we’ve had our views on this. But I agree with MzSporadic.

    Reply

  8. Up4Dsn
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 10:32:00

    I gotta keep it real Sunny. I feel like anyone who gets involved with someone who is in a relationship, and they are aware of it, is a homewrecker. There comes a time when a person has to be held accountable of their actions. This is no different. We as adults know what’s right and what’s wrong. Being involved with someone who is committed to someone else is wrong. It’s not on the person being cheated on nor is it on the person who they may be cheating with. It’s on them. They are the one who decides to pursue something with a person that obviously isn’t honest. I don’t get why someone would want to be with someone, even just sexually, that they know is flawed. A cheater isn’t capable of only hurt that one person…they are capable of hurting anyone who gets in their path…including the person they are cheating with. It just baffles me…but long story short…I think anyone who is aware that they are involved with someone who is committed to someone else…is a homewrecker.

    Reply

    • sunnydelyte21
      Oct 23, 2011 @ 10:15:04

      I can dig what u saying…but where is the blame for the person they are cheating with?

      Reply

      • Up4Dsn
        Oct 24, 2011 @ 18:11:51

        I must not have been clear in what I was saying. I believe both parties are at fault. The person with the family and the person they are cheating with. Both of those individuals are homewreckers. They both know that their behavior isn’t right and both of them must accept responsibility for the outcome.

        Reply

  9. Reggie
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 18:50:22

    If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck…….then it’s a duck. The reason doesn’t matter, the act itself is the only thing that matters.

    My friend once said something to me years ago that has stayed with me. He was talking about two women we both knew. He said whether they were pigeons or chickens really didn’t matter, they’re both still birds.

    Reply

  10. marriagecoach1
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 13:50:05

    Hey Ms Nikks
    I will be the first to admit that there are guys out there who are predators and guys who are still stuck in the adolescent mentality that carving notches in the bedpost makes them more of a man (not). A woman owes you respect not to mess with your husband if she knows that he is married.

    Having said that I can also say that 60% of married women with children at home have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week OR LESS. Most men need sexual relief 3 times a week either through sex with his wife or by masturbation. When you force a man to routinely masturbate alone you are setting him up for failure. He feels cheated, lonely, unloved and unworthy. Just because you are a mommy does not excuse you as a wife in a relationship that needs care and nurturing. Be a wife first and then a mommy and you will have happily ever after.

    John

    Reply

    • Ms. Nikks
      Oct 24, 2011 @ 20:21:19

      So what are you saying? Are you now saying it’s the woman’s fault her husband cheats? She’s not shagging him on a daily basis so he cheats? So then split the blame equally 3 ways and call it a day.

      Reply

      • marriagecoach1
        Oct 25, 2011 @ 09:32:58

        Hey Ms Nikks
        Yes I am definitely saying that it is a woman’s fault if she is not taking care of her husband’s sexual needs. BTW i Cor 7 says that both a husband and a wife have to take care of their partner’s sexual needs. The sad fact is that 60% of women with children at home have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or LESS. Once she takes on the mommy role she abdicates her wife role to her own detriment.
        John Wilder

        Reply

  11. sunnydelyte21
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 11:39:37

    @Reggie I can dig that. Thanks for commenting!!

    Reply

  12. kdaddy23
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 15:38:36

    I dunno… is “results” different than “intent” in this? Maybe it’s the sexual form of misery loving company? What we do know in this is that anything that doesn’t manifest itself as monogamy is considered home-wrecking. House and home is everything in this context and nothing – and I mean nothing – is to ever come between this… which doesn’t change the fact that it does. Lots of “ifs” in this: If your love is strong for each other, then having your home wrecked by outsiders can’t be done; if you’re making and keeping your man or woman happy, your home cannot be broken; if you stay 100% true to all the tenets, it can’t be done.

    We assume – and probably justifiably so – that such things happen because of external influences when, in fact, if a home gets broken, it’s usually something internal that happened first. We’re supposed to shield ourselves against outside influences and gird our loins against temptation… but without totally isolating ourselves from people at the same time. What some of us discover is that keeping home intact isn’t as simple as we’re told it should be and even to the extent that once home is established, we should never, ever, find a reason or be otherwise provoked into changing that status.

    The Ten Commandments instruct us to not covet… and we covet big time, don’t we? Something happens that gives us the notion that the grass might be greener on the other side – sometimes it is, sometimes it sure as hell ain’t even grass. Sometimes, we see what the other guy has… and we want it; we feel he doesn’t deserve her and some will go after her with the intent of taking it away from him (reverse this for women). It’s that constant competition we’ve all been locked into, to have the best we can for ourselves even though we’re supposed to ignore that, yeah, there might be something better out there.

    You can do everything right… and still have your home wrecked. We go out of our way to protect that which is ours from outsiders who would usurp our home… and, in the process, can start the home-wrecking process ourselves by being possessive, obsessive and limiting each other to a singular focus. Most of us know the old saying: If you can’t take care of your man or woman, someone else can and will. In this, it’s not that some outsider comes along to wreck our house – the fact that we can’t or won’t take care of our man or woman sets the stage for some home-wrecking at some point… and all because we’re never really on the same page with each other about such things, are we?

    We’re quick to blame the outsider who comes along for taking what’s ours by divine right or whatever… when, sometimes, we’re our own worst enemy here. There’s what is supposed to be… then there’s reality. Home is a concept – a construct – of mankind and if man can create it, it can be breached, disrupted, destroyed; this is the result, of course, but is it really more a matter of intent? We say no to this – how many times have you heard a man or woman say they never intended for something to happen that led to the result we’d rather avoid? Are we stupid in that we will either do something – for our own pleasures or whatever – or allow something to happen while fully knowing the consequences of our actions?

    See, it’s not that we don’t know what’ll wreck a home – we do. We think about results, I’ve mentioned intent and maybe, just maybe, some homes aren’t meant to be, which is why we wreck them more ourselves than any outsider would?

    Just my two cents worth…

    Reply

  13. sunnydelyte21
    Oct 25, 2011 @ 09:44:17

    Preach KDaddy!!! Preach!! LOL

    Reply

  14. kdaddy23
    Oct 25, 2011 @ 13:41:51

    I had a “major” affair once – the chemistry was too powerful for us to avoid and as much as we tried to avoid it, well, it happened. It was dangerous for both of us to do this – and we both knew we could lose everything… and we lost nothing. No homes got wrecked because our illicit love wasn’t about wrecking anything and we took great pains to make sure home was well taken care of. And when things did get to what we felt were dangerous levels, we walked away from each other – because we had to; home was more important.

    No one ever wants to talk about when this goes absolutely right – we only focus on when it goes horribly wrong and, thus, assume that it will always go wrong. In this case, this was intent without the “expected” results and a very different outcome was not only present but worked toward. If you must deal with the consequences of your actions, why not have the purpose of minimizing the bad things and emphasizing that which is good about what you’re doing?

    Here’s the thing: If you think that it could never happen to you or that you’d never do such a thing, you are clueless and, forgive me, ignorant about a few things in life. It happens and for a lot of reasons; that’s not the point – it’s what you do when faced with this that makes the difference. If you are reckless, well, it’s not going to end well for you.

    Then again, if you want to have some “insurance” against having this happen, then you and your partner have to get and stay on the same page with each other as well as be able to make adjustments when they’re needed and called for. You can’t have two different ideas of “home” and “close enough” doesn’t cut it. You gotta be ready, willing, and able to defend, protect and maintain your home and by any means necessary IF the home you have together means anything to either of you. To me, that means that the dreaded “I ain’t doing…” should never, ever, be a part of your existence together.

    Shit does happen, friends…

    Reply

  15. Trackback: Trashed « Kdaddy23's Blog
  16. Lesbian Brooklynite
    Oct 26, 2011 @ 13:17:46

    I say yes. They know they are dealing with a married person, and that relationship could end because of the side piece action. But, I think people too much emphasis on the side piece, the married person has a responsibility to not cheat.

    Reply

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