I’m sitting here thinking about my history with dating. I’m terrified to put myself out there and truly open up. I’ve convinced myself that what I’m doing is saving me from the drama and heartache of getting emotionally attached to someone.
I’ve done the buddy thing and more often than not it doesn’t work out in my best interest. Almost to the point where I’ve fallen in love and all they wanted was what was between my legs, which kind of messed up my way of thinking.
I’ve played the other woman and ended up becoming this kind of cold hearted person, who decided to be more like a man, and ended up hurting a few people, which wasn’t my intention. When they asked what happened, I was too afraid to tell them it’s my defense mechanism to protect my heart and my feelings.
I’m afraid to entertain the thought of someone actually wanting to be with me. I’m scared because what if once they get to know me they don’t want me? I’d have to start all over again and I don’t think I’m emotionally prepared for that…I know I’m thinking too far in advance. A major problem of mines, I have control issues when it comes to my feelings. I try to control them.
I think my last “REAL” relationship hurt me so bad and I don’t know how to get over it. Being hurt like that was like a knife to my heart. I realize that most of the men I gave my heart to didn’t deserve it. Letting them come in and out as they please, is like not good either…it’s like the people that cut themselves. I need to feel something at that point in time, so I did it and once it was done I realized it hurt more than it helped.
Maybe I need to see someone to kind of find a way to understand some of the feeling I’m feeling in regards to dating. Writing about it hurts but it helps me look back at my words and try to understand. I don’t know maybe this is what’s best. Gotta stop hiding and lying to myself and try to understand how to conquer this.
**Pardon my rambling…I wrote this over the weekend and I felt maybe I could share and get some advice from my blog fam and commentors.**
everything happens for a reason…just be patient, learn from your mistakes and in good time the right person would come along…
Thanks for stopping in and dropping off some advice!!!
Nice post!
Can we use couple paragraphes for our site http://yeahiloveit.com ?
Depends on which one….lol…as long as you site source…
Okay, again this is my terriotory. You need to sit down and think very hard about what kind of man you want and what qualities that he needs to have in order to have a relationship with him. Then you need to put that on a dating profile site and it will exclude a whole lot of guys. Then once you talk to the guy on the phone and by email agree to meet with him. Have a list of very friendly questions to ask him and keep asking him and talking about himself. He will reveal much. Then and only then consider dating him. Once you find a relationship worthy man you MUST GO ALL IN as they say in Texas Holdem. To not commit fully dooms you to relationship failure.
You just need to be much more selective before seriously dating a guy and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES have sex with the guy unless and until he is willing to have a committed monagamous relationship with you. All too many women think that if they give the guy sex he will want them. What you have done is to teach guys to become players and users. STOP IT!
Blessings on you and yours
John
Thanks John…I knew you were gonna come with some good advice…lol
I don’t see how you can get around it though. I mean, who can possibly control the way another person acts over a period of time. I still believe it’s better to love (even if you one day lose) than to worry about the what if’s before ever getting started.
But, don’t get me wrong, I do understand where you’re coming from.
I know I have to live in the moment and stop worrying about the what ifs…thanks Don…
I know I can’t control how another person feels…but I wish I could. LOL
What Don said!
John gives some good advice but, still, it’s not an easy decision to commit to a relationship and more so when you can look at your track record and you’re not feeling too good about it. Given that men have a habit of telling a woman what she wants to hear and, yeah, so he can get into her panties, you don’t know what to believe when you’re trying to decide whether this dude (or even chick) is someone you want to have a relationship with.
It sounds simple; you know what you want and need and all someone has to do is agree to give you these things… but they have to be sincere and for-real about it all and not just paying lip service to these things – and there’s no way that I know of that can help you determine if the suitor is the real deal or just another pretender.
It is truly one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations, huh? If you give yourself totally to a person but time and experience with them proves that it was a mistake from day one, well, that sucks… and now you’re back to square one. On the other hand, if you don’t give all yourself in this, that person will be aware of the fact that you’re asking them to give it all while you’re holding back – and they’re gonna walk and it’s back to square one again.
I don’t have the definitive answer, Sunny, but I will tell you this: Don’t let your fears make you foolish; if you do, you will find yourself all by yourself. A relationship is a highly risky venture; you can get the 411 on as much stuff about the other person as they are willing to reveal and it’ll all sound good and maybe even feel good – but time tells the true story in this. There’s no way to idiot-proof this, no way to guarantee that the person you choose is really the right person – you just gotta do it and, again, John does give some good advice before the fact.
If you’ve ever heard the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained…” know that this is the truth; if you don’t keep trying to find the relationship you want and need, you will never find it – it’s not going to just drop into your lap. Chance are you will fail along the way but this, too, is both the risk we all must take as well as a learning experience because you have to learn from the mistakes in order to minimize them going forward.
I appreciate your words… I know I’m only holding myself back and I have to let go of my fears…
I have to really step outside of myself and take a leap of faith.
Thanks Kdaddy
Totally AGREE with @Don
Now I’m going to come from the Perspective of “Keeping It Simple Stoopid” ***LOL***
Be COMPLETELY REAL with Yourself and Especially with THE OTHER ONE… Then REALNESS Will Rule and Bull-Shyt CAN’T EXIST !!! Ask yourself this one question Though… Do YOU Respect Realness or Bull-Shyt ?!!?
YOUR Intentions-n-Actions will be greatly dictate YOUR RESULTS regarding Dating & Relationships (WORD)
I know I wanted and respect Realness…
thanks for commenting and your words.
i completely understand how you’re feeling here & i admit that i haven’t read all the comments above… but i’ve had all of these thoughts and feelings & situations. i’ve been hurt. i’ve seen my friends hurt & if you have a heart that you want to protect, these defense mechanisms are natural. it does take time to be open to that new relationship, but it will take a lot of self reflection and honest self-critique to lower those guards for the right person… when that time is right. one day you’ll meet someone that you won’t mind trusting & you won’t mind falling for… even if you are terrified to death!
Daisy thanks for this… I will patiently wait for that day.
The comments have helped and my blog fam and commentors have great advice…
Thanks again!!
I agree with Don too. Great advice but an antidote too hard to swallow when you’ve been hurt. I would suggest allowing time between relationships for healing and closure … the “self reflection and honest self-critique” that Daisy wrote above so that you are able to love full blast during the next.
Men and women are all absolutely unique and shoudln’t be held accountable for someone else’s actions or inaction. I’m guilty of overthinking the “What ifs” … I have to learn to live in the moment too
I’m a work in progress. And trust I do allow myself a good amount of time before I even think about entering another relationship sometimes too much time, but hey it works for me.
Thanks Mr. T!!!!
Reblogged this on Nialove2424′s Blog.
I dated someone who had trust issues. major ones. a lot of it came from deeper rooted issues with family and friends. try to look outside of the actual relationships to relationships with other types of people like friends and family. it may be something hiding there that will give more insight into the love relationships
Oh I have trust issues outside of the relationship with friends and family. I’ve been hurt across the board…and I try not to let them know that they hurt me in that way… you know gotta act like it don’t hurt when it really it does.
I’m working on it tho and thanks for reblogging this…
Trying not to let them know that they hurt you is not being real and authentic. You need to let people know when they hurt you or how else are they going to get better. Now I know that some people are jerks and don’t care but that is on them. Quit faking and be yourself and if they don’t like you (and not everyone will) well that is on them and not you.
Blessings on you and yours
John
Hiding or not telling someone that they hurt me isn’t being fake. Its something I do to “protect” myself. I agree that maybe I need to let them know that they hurt me.
I read this and feel you on every level. If you got burned once, and remember the sting I can understand why you wouldn’t want to get burned again. But do you think that everyone in a happy relationship just breezed into it? I see the scars from my burns as a badge of honor not necessarily something that should hold me back from a healthy relationship & happiness period.
I am curious, were you interested in joining my workshop? This is exactly the type of thing we are going to delve into.
I closed off registration but I see you as my sister , I would love to have you…think about it & let me know I can send you the info.
Is it an internet thing? Cuz I no longer have my personal computer. I plan on getting a new one soon.
Thanks…
Ya you have to have internet access.
The program should be available in other forms after I see how this group plays out…no sad face!! lol
OK cool
You know, at some point, you come to understand some stuff about relationships – and some of it ain’t good. You will, invariably, get your heart pureed a few times and it does make you leery about doing it again and gives us the distinct impression that if it happened this time, it’ll happen again. The fucked up part is that it usually does and one of the reasons is that we never really learn how to be in a relationship; each one is like OJT because people are different even if we do tend to behave in similar ways, i.e., I can make a mistake with my fiancee that someone else made with her – but in a different way.
So, you wind up learning not to trust, for both right and wrong reasons; we wind up in a self-defensive mode of behaving, don’t we? The fact that we can’t or are afraid to trust will, at some point, undermine any relationship we might get into down the road – and then you’re back at square one again, trying to find that one right person that fits your needs to a T.
It has been said – and I tend to agree – that being in love with someone is about the worst thing you can do to them. The people who hurt you the most are the people who love you and not your enemies, right?
Love might happen at first sight… but trust takes time; it has to be developed and once it’s there, you have to keep working at it on both sides of the relationship – there’s a reason why it’s called a partnership. If there was a secret to this, it’s finding that person that has similar goals as your own; whether they can fuck your brains out isn’t really an issue because, just like everything else in the relationship, you have to learn how to do this with each other – it is not a given (that’s how we behave)!
Poor communication; resistance to change based on past – and often – irrelevant experiences and a lack of a single, unified vision. These are the things that make relationships hard to be in. You can’t just throw your stuff out on the table and say, “This is what I want!” then expect the other person to just say, “Okay…” and not thrown their own cards on the table! You really and seriously have to find a way to make a relationship work; sort through the cards on the table and find the commonality and work from there. One thing I learned: Once you invoke “I ain’t doing that!” you’re pretty much fucked and not in a good way and more so when the logic of the situation is sound. Also, when you spend more time thinking “me” than “us,” you’re equally screwed because any relationship sure as hell just ain’t about YOU, is it?
But this is how we behave… and this is why we have these fears… and why some of us fail.
Bravo, very well stated sir, everyone pay attention and examine the person looking back at you in the mirror. Too many people see relationships through the prism of what the other person did wrong and never looking at your own contributions. According to Dr Laura, self centeredness is the biggest cause of breakups. Just like I tell women who fantasize about “happily ever after” hardly ever give a thought as to what that looks like FOR A GUY! Nor do you care and guys resent you for it.
John
Heartbreak is a mutha mutha Sunny. I can’t imagine how much pain you went through or what you experienced, but what I know is that you’re strong enough to withstand it. I believe you may be down for awhile, but you’re definitely not out. You got a lot of fight left in you mama. Chill on the bench for a minute…then get back in the game playa! You feel me?!
Yeah I feel you!! and thanks yes I know I have to get back in the game!!!
Thanks for the kind words